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When you are afraid of having nothing

It’s almost midnight. I’m lying on my bed. I just have finished one more series that I’m watching. The finale season had this speech about “being all alone” (by the way, was Marvelous Mrs. Maisel as you can guess). And this crisis came again: what do I have?

Well, I’m nearly 24. Is just coming next month. So I am officially an adult for 6 years. Everything happened as expected for an adult. At least in my mind. I left my parents house and went to college. I graduated, got a job. I quit. I got another one, and another, and once again here I am, leaving. Some people can think that I am lost. At this age in our generation, it’s common to discover that you haven’t been doing something that you like. It’s not the case.

I found myself so early and, even though, I had also the crisis of “Am I in the right way?” or “Will I achieve what I want?” as everyone in this world. Once we have the answers to these questions, we think that everything is solved. We can decide to change our way or to give up on our dreams and have an easier life. Go forward is also an option and that was my choice.

Was Newton that said about the cause and effect law. He was right as you know, and one of the effects of my choice was this crisis “what do I have?” because when you make a choice and you are sure about it, you can clearly see the things that you gave up. And as I am again moving, I have to prepare to pack my stuff. I look around in the room that I lived for 8 months. I see the things that I have: my camera, my laptop, the books that I wrote, some clothes, and that’s it.

I was talking to a friend some days ago, and he was telling about his new house. I had two feelings about it: happiness for him, and fear for myself. And then I look back to the people that I grew up with, cousins, friends… People with the same age that are already married, have kids, or just bought a car. I won’t deny — I wish I had a house, my own place, even a small rented studio. and then I think: I have nothing.

(Contains a spoiler of the second season of Marvelous Mrs. Maisel)

Mrs. Maisel talks about how she is decided to be all alone. She is leaving a lot of things that she could have behind. She had this fear, but it doesn’t mean that she would change her mind.

Our society is pushing us to this conception of perfect life all the time. The same photograph that will always picture happiness. But is it the last and only shot? I don’t think so. Noticing that I have nothing I realized that is how my life was supposed to be right now. I can’t find those belongings because I gave up on them. I left them behind. Why should a decision to make the things that we want make us sad?

Let’s go forward. Let’s be grateful that we can make choices. Let’s enjoy our own way, not the one that we already gave up on. It’s impossible.

And no, we have a lot of things, especially stories. These will last with us forever.

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